By Brian Tracy
In his book Frames of Mind,
Dr. Howard Gardner made the revolutionary statement that
individuals possess several forms of intelligence. He
concluded that we are all intelligent in a variety of
different ways, and even if we didn't receive great grades
in school, we can still be extremely intelligent in other
areas. Two of these areas are intra-personal intelligence
and inter-personal intelligence.
Intra-personal
intelligence is defined as how well you get along with
yourself. If is how well you know yourself, understand
yourself, and are clear about your strengths and weaknesses,
your values, opinions, goals, and dreams. People with high
levels of intra-personal intelligence are extremely aware of
who they are, and who they are not. This enables them to be
honest and objective with themselves, and as a result, they
are more honest and objective with others.
Intra-personal intelligence is the foundation upon which
another intelligence, inter-personal intelligence, is built.
Inter-personal intelligence is an ability to communicate,
negotiate, interact, persuade, and influence other people.
People who are successful in all businesses requiring active
interaction with other people, such as salespeople,
managers, counsellors, consultants, and lawyers all have a
high degree of inter-personal intelligence.
You can
increase your intelligence in any area by learning and
practicing in that area. And perhaps the most important
intelligence you can consciously and purposefully develop is
your inter-personal intelligence. That's because forming and
maintaining relationships is vital to both your professional
success and your self-image-your intra-personal
intelligence.
Our personalities are largely shaped
by the way people react to us. Our only indication as to who
we are at a young age is the way people treat us. If people
treat us with kindness, respect, and good humour, we
eventually conclude that we are pretty good people who
deserve kindness, respect, and proper treatment.
Psychologists have identified three basic social needs that
we all have: inclusion, control, and affection.
The
first, inclusion, is the need to feel that we belong, that
we are included in families, work groups, social groups,
business organizations, and professional associations. We
need to feel wanted, accepted, and important.
The
second social need we have is the desire for control.
Psychologists have concluded that the basis for a positive
mental attitude is a sense of control. We are happy to the
degree to which we feel we have a certain amount of control
over our life. We are unhappy to the degree to which we feel
out of control. Most stress is caused by being out of
control of some part of our life that is important to us.
The third social need we all have is the desire for
affection. It is hard to live without the knowledge that
someone cares about us. Sometimes, just knowing that even
one single person, somewhere, cares about us is enough to
give meaning to our entire lives.
In publishing
circles, there is an expression: a work in progress. This is
a book that has been scheduled for publication but which is
not yet complete; the author is still working on it, at one
stage or another. Each of us is a work in progress. Each of
us is born and grows up immature and inexperienced in the
ways of the world. Over time, and with a lot of hard knocks,
we develop a greater depth of character and personality. And
all of our lessons are learned in the crucible of human
contact.
There are certain parts of your personality
that will remain completely untouched and undeveloped unless
and until you enter into deep, meaningful, intimate,
emotional relationships with people you love and who love
you in return. It is only then that you develop the depth of
personality that makes you a more interesting and complete
individual.
On the wall of my fist Karate Dojo was a
sign that said, "The ultimate aim of Karate lies not in
victory or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of
its participants." I think that is the ultimate aim of life
as well as the perfection of the character of its
participants. And it is hardly possible for you to become
everything you are capable of becoming without the lessons
that come through relationships with people for whom you
care deeply, and who, in turn, care deeply for you.
Relationships can be extremely complicated, but to build and
maintain quality relationships requires only a few basic
principles. Let me give you seven.
The first is the
principle of trust. All relationships are ultimately based
on trust. To build trust, you always keep your word. You
remain consistent and dependable in everything you say and
do. You become the kind of person who is utterly reliable in
every situation. You never do or say anything that can shake
this fundamental foundation of trust upon which your
relationships are built.
The second principle is
respect. Taking time to deliberately express your respect
for the uniqueness of an individual makes him or her feel
very valuable and important. By demonstrating that kind of
respect, you build and enhance the quality of your
relationship. The third principle for success in
relationships is communication. In communicating well with
another person, time is the critical factor. The value of a
relationship can increase for both you and the other person
depending on the amount of time that you invest. When you
take the time to focus on the important issues of a
relationship, you open the channels of communication. And
when you listen attentively, calmly, quietly, and with total
attention, you demonstrate the respect you have for the
other person, and you deepen the level of trust between you.
The fourth principle is courtesy. When you say "please" and
"thank you" on a regular basis to the people in your life,
you make them feel better about themselves and about what
they are doing. You raise their self-esteem. And alas, it is
often with the people we care about most that we are the
least courteous and polite. Emmet Fox once wrote, "If you
must be rude, be rude to strangers. But save your company
manners for your family."
The fifth principle is
caring. The greatest gift that you can give to others is the
gift of unconditional love and acceptance. The kindest thing
you can do is to refrain from criticizing, condemning or
complaining to them or about them. Think of yourself as a
people-builder rather than a people-basher. Catch them doing
something right. Always look for ways to make people feel
more valuable, more respected, and more loved. The three
most powerful words in any relationship are the words, "I
love you." Repeat them as often as possible and in as many
different ways as possible to the most important people in
your life.
The sixth principle is a combination of
praise and appreciation for everything that others do for
you, both large and small. When you express your
appreciation to another person for something they do for
you, they feel better about themselves, and they want to do
more of it. And there is a kickback effect that causes your
own self-esteem to go up, exactly as if you yourself had
been praised.
The seventh principle for success in
relationships is simply helpfulness, especially with those
people with whom you live. Your constant willingness to step
in and do little things to alleviate the burdens felt by
your spouse and children is always appreciated and
respected. This willingness to share, to contribute, to help
each other is an important facet of lasting relationships.
Perhaps the most important thing you ever do in life is
build and maintain long-term, happy, healthy, fulfilling
relationships with other people you love and who love you.
When you make everything else secondary to this central
purpose, you will find yourself enjoying happiness and
rewards in exponential proportion to the efforts you put in.
*About the Author: Brian Tracy is a leading authority on
personal and business success. As Chairman and CEO of Brian
Tracy International, he is the best-selling author of 17
books and over 300 audio and video learning programs.
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